This is probably the first time I’ve ever mentioned this ever since it happened which may scare the people who knew me best at the time. 2013 from Summer onwards for me was an absolute horror show. I came out of my first relationship on August 9th that year and I thought I was coping well with that loss and my friends did too as they constantly told me how happy I seemed. However, I underestimated what happened so much.
When I was with people I always put on a front and a smile while inside I was losing control of everything. I was never sleeping for long, barely eating and just constantly stressed out with trying to regain control of myself and to get a grip on my life. Between college and socialising I just never took a minute to breathe and work out what was going on with myself. Just on my feet so much and winging every single day not knowing what would happen next.
I never ever spoke out about my problems to anyone as I was always there for others because that’s just who I am even on this day in August 2017. I just felt like focusing on just me was purely selfish and that was my biggest mistake that led to everything getting worse. I probably just seemed like a normal student to everyone else but inside I was dying and on the outside, I was fading fast. I couldn’t keep up a front 24/7 anymore.
I began to notice that I was just going more and more into my shell and living in fear of what people would think. I have always grown up with a tough background where problems have just gotta be put aside so I just lived with it as best as I could. I always had the same routine of just:
Wednesday-College, Play pool and go to the pub
Sunday-Lie in bed hungover and exhausted
I wish I knew what this was doing to me earlier so I could have saved myself. I began to feel sick too and it was just constant. I didn’t know I became addicted to alcohol until I woke up on a Monday for college and the first place I wanted to be was the pub. I was slowly posting Facebook statuses asking if anyone wanted to go every single day and because I kept in touch with so many people I was there most days. Even my nights out went the same each time:
Lots of shots
Plenty of Vodkas
Leave on my own
Surely this and sending the same girl I was talking to loads of messages I never remembered sending should have been the limit and realisation point for me. However, even this wasn’t. It took until September 28th on a rainy Friday morning after a night out to break completely. I walked out of the nightclub at the end when the music stopped and went away from everyone. I just needed to be on my own and it was an hour into walking home(roughly 5am) walking under a bridge and I just collapsed to my knees and broke down in tears. I had no idea why it just happened.
This was the lowest point of my life and I knew it, I panicked and realised life wasn’t living anymore in my head. I was near a train bridge and only just a short walk away from the river. I could have chosen to be splatted by a train or drown to death by jumping into the river. Both were considered but I was too scared and didn’t want anyone to suffer because of the pain I was going through so I had to fight to survive. Nobody should lose a loved one who is 19 and I didn’t want them to lose me no matter how much I hated my life and myself.
I wasn’t gonna let an alcohol addiction combined with smoking to calm the stress take any more of my life so I somehow managed to type a long Facebook message to the girl I was talking closely to about how low I was as well as posting a Facebook status saying how low I felt. It wasn’t bravery to me, it was the biggest cry for help I’ve ever made but ultimately the most important one of my life. If you ever feel low never hold back from posting about it on social media. The right people will help you fight your demons,
This was my story, never be afraid to share yours.
If you are suffering from an addiction, speak out and get help. If you see someone drinking or smoking too much or too fast just tell them to slow down. You never know why they are doing it.
Learn their story and make a difference today.