My Experiences with panic attacks
Panic attacks are horrible things. It is so sad how so many people suffer from them too. I’ve had my fair share of them in my life and it tore me to pieces. The problem with them is that they come on so rapidly and so randomly. In this blog, I will talk about my experiences with panic attacks and how far I’ve come in the last 18 months.
So in 2013 and 2014, I suffered tons of panic attacks. I eventually had to go onto tablets because I got affected so badly and ended up being sick every single day for months on end. I still had to stick in at college as much as humanly possible in order to make sure I had passed my course and every single class that was part of that. I managed to gain my HND in Business in June 2015 and even to this day I have no idea how with how bad I was in regards to my mental health. Even to this day that is by far my biggest achievement in my life so far.
The thing that leads to all of my panic attack issues at first was getting into my first relationship when I was far from ready for it. I had started Summer 2013 so well having just passed my HNC in Accounting and have a great set of friends. Trying to add anything else to my life was almost fatal to it as I’ve spoken about in previous blogs. Even to this day, I am still very much someone who always tries to do way too much at once when there’s absolutely no need for it. I will eventually stop that but I’m getting closer now. As a result of my first relationship only lasting 33 days though my confidence just absolutely crumbled and I started to suffer panic attacks anytime someone wanted to be close to me. I suffered from extreme sickness and hyperventilating as a result of these panic attacks and I just didn’t know what to do.
In early 2014 it was being at a college that caused all of the panic attacks plus some of the treatment I got from a girl. Being used is a horrible thing and this just made it worse. I couldn’t go anywhere without having a panic attack over the fact I could bump into her anywhere I went. I still carry some of the scars but then again when the person who saved your life becomes the person who tears your world apart who wouldn’t be aware of things only a couple of years on?
2015 was a really odd year for me. Panic attacks were still pretty common for me though unfortunately because of the pressure on me to pass in college. My lecturers were fully aware of how rocky my mental health was and how unwell I had been on the first year of my course but the increased workload and the difficulty increase of the work meant they were far from sympathetic and it very nearly got me thrown off of my course. I just ended up having to drag myself through it regardless of how bad I felt but in the end, I passed the course and escaped with my 2nd college qualification so I was so relieved but still so nervous about things afterwards.
2016 was the most terrifying year for me with my panic attacks. I managed to get the number of them down to just 4 but unfortunately, 3 of them were because of the same person.
The sad thing about the 1st one was because it came only 2 days into 2016 and involved alcohol. I am still entirely convinced that it wouldn’t have happened had I not been drinking. My auntie’s husband had died in his sleep one year and their wedding song stuck in my head so much because it mattered so much to me. Any song that’s a big part of a story in my family means the world to me but their one stands out more than any. I was drinking with a few friends as a way to celebrate the first weekend of 2016 and we were listening to Scottish songs just for something different. Their wedding song was Loch Lomond by Runrig and this song is one of the best Scottish songs there will ever be by far. Due to me being drunk and remembering the memories of their wedding day I started shaking so badly and a panic attack had begun because I somehow ended up thinking that I wasn’t good enough for my family. I burst into tears too and nobody had any idea what the hell had happened. I didn’t even understand to be honest and the next day I was mystified about it.
As for the other 3 panic attacks, these were so preventable too. They all based around a friendship with a girl that started off so well and became rocky the second I had feelings for her. She wasn’t used to people sticking around after she rejected their feelings and unfortunately this completely changed how she was with me. We ended up at war with each other and even to this day, it saddens me what happened. We ended up arguing about such stupid things that it shouldn’t even be possible to argue about. We both destroyed each other and I still hate myself for my mistakes in the situation. My problem always is that I can hit back 10 times harder when someone really badmouths me. We both emotionally abused each other so badly that we were both being sick constantly and couldn’t even enjoy life.
Nowadays I wish we could just leave it all in the past as I respect her blog work and I’m proud of how strong she is but there are too many aimed tweets towards me that are just so petty. The problem is that I know she is 100% better than that but her boyfriend and the person stalking my Twitter just try to keep the drama going. Even her cousin is still so bitter about it and the worst of things happened 14 months ago. I’m a changed, improved person but this shit absolutely hasn’t gone away no matter how much I want it to. I will probably take aimed tweets and lies by the stalker for this to but I’ve got nothing to hide so I don’t even care about that. If someone with 300+ tweets on one account aimed at me and stalks me with another wants to be that childish then it’s fine by me and if anyone is stupid enough to believe their shit then why should I care? 2017 has been the best year of my life and nothing is stopping that.
I hate all of the drama that silly arguments have caused and I know fine well I’m not perfect and played a part in that but I’m definitely nowhere near as bad as what I’ve been called. The girl also wrote a blog about toxic friendships and it wasn’t even hidden that it was about me. That does sadden me that the blog missed out part of the truth but if the stalker was ever to vanish and she stopped aiming tweets at me maybe then all of this can be left in the past like it should have been a year ago. That friendship wasn’t even all bad either. I still remember the wonderful things about it like they happened yesterday but I can guarantee I’m the only one. I know the girl isn’t anywhere near a bad person but apparently, I am even though it was completely split between us about who done wrong. The bad thing is that the main reason I had panic attacks wasn’t that of what she has done, it was because of how scared I was of her not being okay because the last thing you want to do is hurt the person who was your top priority at the time. I’m glad we are both okay now and I want her to have a successful life and to be happy.
No point in being a child about this at all. I am coming clean as I’m far from perfect and I make mistakes but I’m not gonna shy away from that. I feel like this is me shutting the door on my side of this as I just want to progress forward even more than I have in 2017 so far. I have the best girlfriend ever, my mental and physical health at their peak and so much more confidence in my own ability. I wouldn’t have all of that if I was such a bad person and it was those experiences that allowed me to grow so much as a person. I also learned from that situation that I am far stronger as a person than I ever imagined and capable of putting so much effort in with people.
Thank you for reading guys. Sorry that it is practically 1500 words long. Thank you for your time.
My Experiences with panic attacks